If Only
by Scarlet Scully
Summary: Brennan's story was first. Now it's Booth's turn. Companion piece to Remember When but not a retelling so read it if you haven't yet. Booth's POV on the tragedy and what comes next. BB & some angst. T to be safe.
1. Prologue

_A/N: This story is a companion piece to my other Bones fic:_ Remember When_. You really should read that fic before reading this one. Please read and send me your thoughts, regardless of whether they're good or bad._

_The characters of this story are not mine… I'm just borrowing them for a bit and will gladly give them back when I'm finished._

**If Only**

_Summary: Companion piece to "Remember When". Booth's thoughts during the events of that story._

_**Prologue**_

I reach out to brush a stray hair from her face and frown as I notice the quivering of my hand. The clean white of the gauze that is wrapped around it marks a stark line where my scraped fingers emerge. True, my hand is injured, but not so badly that it should shake. I know that the trembling is a result of all that has brought me to this place. That my hand is trembling because my whole being is trembling with the aftermath of what has happened. I finish the path and tuck the offending strand behind her ear. She turns her head into the contact, but her eyes remain closed.

_'Please open your eyes,'_ I beg, but she refuses to cooperate.

I long to see their clear blue depths and know that I will remain seated at her side until I do. The heart monitor beeps reassuringly in the background, but it isn't enough. I need her to be more than just alive. I need her to open her eyes… to hold my hand. I need to hear her voice even if the words will hurt. I need her to hear me even if my words will hurt. Simply, I need her. I've always needed her, but I hadn't realized how much until this day.

_A/N: A short little preview. The first chapter will follow shortly. Scarlet._


	2. Part One

_A/N: Disclaimers, etc. in the first chapter. This is Booth's side of the story, although I don't intend to re-tell everything. I just want to give more. Scarlet._

**If Only, part one**

In my mind, I trace the path back to the night when I had first given in to my need of her. The Donnelly case had been particularly harsh for both of us. We had solved it and had arrested the bad guy, but in the end, we had both felt that we had lost somehow. I hadn't been ready to go home to my empty apartment - Rebecca had taken Parker on a weekend holiday. I hadn't been ready to spend my weekend with only the memories of the case.

I had suggested ordering in some dinner when we arrived at her apartment and she had accepted. I think that maybe she hadn't been ready to face the night alone either; not that she would ever have admitted as much to me. Her feelings were, as usual, hidden deep beneath the surface. Still, she had accepted my company and for that I had been grateful. Even today, I was grateful, in spite of all that had happened. Maybe more so - because of all that had happened.

Dinner had consisted of our classics: Thai food and Spanish wine. Actually, there were many times that I would have preferred a good bottle of beer to a glass of wine, but it was all that she had had on hand and neither of us had felt compelled to leave her apartment once we had arrived.

When I think about it, it was the wine's fault - what happened next. It wasn't that either of us had had so much to drink that we couldn't be held accountable for our actions. It was just that the wine had silenced my inner censors. The ones that would have immediately dismissed the suggestion that I kiss away the little bit of sauce that had teased me from the corner of her mouth. It was the wine that had encouraged me to then deepen that kiss, to tease her tongue with mine, to cup her breast in my hand and tangle my fingers in her hair. The thought had been my own, but the wine had allowed me to finally act on it.

It was as if once the door had been opened, neither of us had been capable of closing it. She had tasted wonderful and the feeling of her body beneath my hands was indescribable. I was well beyond the point of no return by the time she had stood, pulling me to my feet and leading me to her bedroom. There, as we had quickly undressed, I was able to fully appreciate her body, recognizing that my daydreams had done her little justice.

"You're beautiful," I had breathed, the words seeming to escape my lips of their own accord.

"You're very well-formed yourself," she had answered with a sexy half-smile as she had stepped forward to caress my chest.

That had been all the encouragement that I had needed and we had tumbled atop the bed. The love-making had been incredible, beyond my every expectation, and then some. Afterwards, I had fallen asleep with her head tucked against my chest and a smile on my face. That smile had quickly faded the next morning when I had woken up.

"It's human nature, Booth," her words replayed in my mind and their impact still caused a weight to slam into my stomach. "We were just trying to celebrate life… to justify our existence. It didn't mean anything. It doesn't change anything."

At the time, it had been worse than waking to a bucket-full of ice cold water being dumped on my head. I had woken to that deep sense of satisfaction that only a night filled with good sleep and better sex could bring. I remember stretching, feeling for her warmth beside me, thinking of starting the day much in the same manner that we had ended the night. Instead of her warm body, my fingers had found only cold sheets.

She had entered the room then - completely dressed - and had pronounced the whole experience as a mistake. Not even a mistake. It would have been better if she had said that it had been a mistake. But she couldn't even assign that much meaning to our night. She then proceeded to explain it away with some anthropological mumbo-jumbo and I had been too shell-shocked to dispute her claims. Instead, I had accepted them, dressing hastily after she had left the room.

Throughout the weeks that followed, I struggled to find a comfortable working relationship again with her. In the first few days, I feared that we would never recover our friendship; that the very reason that had prevented me from pursuing her in the first place had become our reality; that one night of pleasure had ruined years - potentially - of harmonious partnership.

It didn't help matters much that I couldn't get her out of my head either. Whether it was discussing a case or driving to a crime scene, I was constantly reminded of our night together. Before then, I had been able to rein in my imagination, but my memories seemed to be out of control. A hint of her perfume, the curve of her lips, a glimpse of skin as she crossed her legs when she was wearing a skirt. All of these things warred against my self-discipline, bringing flashes of that night to my mind, often at the most inconvenient of times.

_"Booth, I'm about the same size as the victim and you have the same build as our suspect. Stand behind me and I'll show you."_

Bones' voice played clearly in my mind as I remembered a particularly embarrassing incident of a few weeks ago. We were on the platform in the lab, debating the logistics of a murder and how it had occurred. I had been adamant that the victim couldn't have fought back as fiercely as the squints were saying and Bones had wanted me to help prove that I was wrong.

_"But, you have martial arts training," I countered, trying to preserve my masculinity in front of the squints._

'Great, that's just what I need,'_ I thought._ 'She'll toss me to the ground and then step on my neck and my reputation will be ruined forever.'

_The scene played out in my mind and I had to fight to keep the grimace from my face._

_"Don't worry, I won't hurt you," she answered, not that it eased my concern in any way._

_I gave in, knowing that, if I argued any further, I would risk my reputation. They were the brains and I was supposed to be the brawn, after all. How could I be afraid of a little hand-to-hand combat with one of them?_

_I stepped behind her, covering her mouth with my right hand. I wrapped my left arm around her upper body, effectively securing both of her arms at her side. I was smirking but she couldn't see it because my mouth was next to her ear and I was breathing in her scent and I was trying vainly not to notice how nice it was to hold her in my arms._

_My voice was raspy when I spoke: " Now what?"_

_Her eyes weren't wide open with the fear that would have been reflected in the victim. Instead, their lids were lowered provocatively and I instantly regretted having agreed to the demonstration. Her body was pressed against mine and her ass was fitted against my groin and I barely stopped myself from stroking the shell of her ear with my tongue._

_"Guys, please, get a room already."_

_Angela's laughing comment brought me back_ _to the bright lights of the lab. In truth, my mind was back in the lab, but my groin was still pressed against Bones' soft backside. That had never happened at the Jeffersonian before, so I'm pretty sure that my groin was still in her bedroom._

_"Well, Bones," I had to clear my voice before continuing; her warmth in my arms proved to make speaking a little difficult. "I have you now and you don't have a dislocated shoulder or a broken wrist. And I don't have any broken ribs or any other injuries. I guess you were wrong."_

_I had been about to release her when she began struggling in my arms. Her_ _movements had been aimless at first and they only served to stimulate me further. I could tell that she was trying to not act with her own instincts; the picture of me lying on the floor with her foot to my throat flashed through my mind again and this time it served to distract me from her hips as they rotated against me._

_Her movements became more forceful and I shifted my position. I quickly relinquished the hold that my right arm had on her upper body and grabbed her right arm, twisting it gently up behind her back._

_"There goes the shoulder." Angela announced and then Bones' left elbow tapped my ribcage._

_"And the ribs," Hodgins added._

_"You're not holding me close enough, Booth," Bones spoke from behind the loosened grip of my hand. "I can't show you how you'll break my wrist."_

_I released her then. I couldn't believe that she wanted me to hold her closer when I was certain that she had felt my cock pressing against her when she had struggled against me. I couldn't believe that I was at the point of being turned on by her even in the most unexciting environments and that she seemed to be completely unaffected._

_"Bones, I don't want to break your wrist," I answered, frustrated. "Angela, isn't this why we have your Angelator-thing? So we don't get hurt trying to figure out how people got hurt."_

_"Yes, but the real thing is so much more stimulating," she answered with a smirk and her eyes dropped meaningfully to my crotch._

_I laughed and turned my back to the group, discreetly trying to shift things around, hoping that no one else had noticed my predicament. I returned to our debate and conceded that the squints had been right again._

My defeat had been forgotten quickly, but the feel of her in my arms and the scent of her hair had stayed with me for the rest of the day. The rest of the night and many nights after that, too, if I were to be completely honest with myself.

After that day, I knew that I had to get her out of my mind. The fact that we had had sex hadn't meant anything to her, or if it had, certainly not anywhere near as much as it had meant to me. I may have had a few glasses of wine that night, but I had seen our having sex as naturally, the next step in our relationship. I had thought that there was something beyond the usual partner-like feelings between us. I had believed that the sparks that jumped between us had stemmed from some kind of natural chemistry. I had been wrong in every instance.

_A/N: Thank you for reading so far. Please review. Your feedback keeps me motivated and helps me improve. Scarlet._


	3. Part Two

_A/N: Sorry for the delay in getting this latest chapter out. My monitor broke and I had to borrow another one while it's getting fixed. Who knew that an LCD monitor would only last 2 years and that neither the store that I bought it from or View sonic (the manufacturer) would help me either get it fixed quickly or by giving me something to use while it was sent away for repair? Reading and writing Bones is not the same on a 15" CRT but I'm making do. I should have another post in a day or two. For now, please read and review. Oh, and I almost forgot, I don't own anything (not even a decent monitor), so please don't sue me for borrowing these wonderful characters. Scarlet._

**If Only, part two.**

It was a good thing that during those first few weeks, our caseload had been relatively light. The few cases that we had worked on had been straight-forward identifications and we hadn't had to spend too much time together. The fact that we had still worked together had helped, too. I'm not sure what would have happened if we hadn't had to move forward from that night, if we hadn't had to continue to work together. I'm sure that we would've never gotten to the point where she laughed at my jokes again; I remember being unusually pleased when that had happened. Those few cases and the few hours spent in the lab scattered throughout the weeks had let us forget about that night.

_Okay, who am I kidding? There is no way that I forgot about it. But, at least it stopped being the only thing that I was thinking about when I was with her._

I had thought that the Adams case was going to be just like the others - a simple identification. Bones and I would go to the crime scene. She would identify the body and confirm my suspicions. I would arrest the bad guy and the case would be over.

I had been wrong.

When I received the report that a body had been found at the former home of Jon and Samantha Adams, I instantly knew that it was Samantha. She had gone missing nearly two years earlier and despite an intensive investigation, I hadn't been able to find any evidence to move the case forward, let alone solve it. Without a body or any other evidence of any wrong-doing, the FBI had decided that she had simply run away from her life and had begun a new one somewhere else. There had been hints of an affair and some circumstantial evidence indicating that she had been pregnant at the time of her disappearance. Still, it hadn't been enough to convince me. Instinctively, I had known that the bureau's conclusions had been wrong; that a mother could never leave behind her two-year-old daughter without so much as a backward glance. Of course, Cullen hadn't let me continue investigating just because my gut had told me to do so and the case had been shelved… until today.

I called the Jeffersonian as soon as I had been told about the body and was surprised when Cam had told me that Bones still hadn't arrived. Bones was never late. She might leave late and arrive early, but never the other way around - at least not as long as I had known her. When I thought about it, I realized that she seemed to be withdrawing from me, too. Again. I didn't know what any of it meant and I shook my head, clearing the distracting thoughts from my mind.

"Okay, Cam, I'm on my way. Tell her when she gets in that we have a case and that I'll be there soon."

Grabbing the case file, I headed to my SUV. I thumbed through the report while driving to the Jeffersonian, ignoring the occasional horn that blared as I inadvertently cut someone off, answering with a blast or two of my own. Jon Adams had been the lead suspect two years ago and in my mind, he was still the lead suspect today. The bones that were found on his property were finally going to give me the means to bring him to justice.

_"The bones and my Bones,"_ I smirked as the words played in my mind, amused until I realized that I had just referred to her as my own.

_"When had I started to do that?"_ I questioned, silently.

"Since the day we met," I muttered aloud, miserable with the truth of my answer.

I arrived at the Jeffersonian before her and waited a good ten minutes for her to arrive. After a confusing conversation about work habits and lunch, I told her that we had a case and we headed over to the crime scene with Zack in tow. A surge of anger coursed within me as we arrived at the former Adams' residence, only to find the street lined with news crews.

"What the hell is going on here?" I yelled at the first officer to greet me.

"This is supposed to be a crime scene," I interrupted him as he tried to stammer out some kind of response, "not a media circus. How did they find out so quickly?"

My anger eased somewhat after having vented it on the unsuspecting officer. I managed to actually let him fill me on the details of the case up to that point. He told me that a neighbourhood dog had gotten loose from its yard and had dug up the remains; that one of the neighbours had likely called in the tip to the press; that a quick survey of the neighbourhood had revealed that no one had witnessed anyone digging in the yard. I hadn't really needed the last bit of information. After the infamy of the original investigation, I was pretty confident that the neighbours in this cozy suburb wouldn't hesitate to call in any unusual behaviour.

"Booth," Bones called out my name, pulling my attention away from the officer. "Initial inspection confirms your suspicions. This is a female between the ages of twenty-five and thirty. Hodgins will be able to tell more specifically, but the level of decomposition matches that of someone who had been buried two years ago. I hate to admit it, but all cursory indicators lead me to believe that this is Samantha Adams."

As she announced her suspicions, I noticed two reporters scribble notes furiously before they returned to their respective media vans to prepare for their 'breaking news' report.

"That's just wonderful," I muttered. "Okay, you and Zack bag the remains and I'll get one of the locals to bring you back to the Jeffersonian."

"Where are you going?" she asked as I headed back in the direction of my SUV.

"I'm going to question Jon Adams before he gets wind of this on the local news."

I was walking away quickly and knew that she was chasing behind me even before she called out to me, indicating that she would be accompanying me. This had been our routine from the first day of our partnership. For a while I had kept up the pretence of not wanting her company, but I had given that up months earlier. It was kind of hard to pull off after I had followed her to New Orleans and to the desert.

As we drove to Jon Adams' new residence, I sifted through the questions I would ask him in my mind. I summed up the strategy and for the first time, realized the silence of my passenger. I stole a quick glance in her direction, only to find her grinning widely.

_'What the…?'_ I thought to myself before asking her aloud. "Bones, is there something funny here that I'm missing?"

I glanced over again only to catch her vainly trying to hide the evidence of her smile.

"No, just something I was thinking about," came her non-reply. My curiosity was piqued as she clearly tried to dodge my question.

"Oh yeah? What exactly were you thinking about to make you grin like that?"

She answered: "Nothing." The grin that she had been trying to control broke through again and I started to wrack my brain for something that had happened recently that she would find so amusing - _not that I really understood the way her brain worked _- and something that she wouldn't tell me. I couldn't remember saying anything and the radio was off and I hadn't gotten near enough to the body for her to have humiliated me in any way.

"Booth, shouldn't you be concentrating on your driving?" she asked, clearly trying to divert my attention. "Or would you rather that I drive?"

"You're not driving, Bones and nice try at distracting me. Now, what did you find so funny?" I paused before continuing, thinking. "Was it me? Did I do something, or…," I attempted a glance in the rear view mirror. "Is there something on my face or in my teeth?"

She laughed out loud and I flipped down the visor so I could better see my reflection, running my tongue across my teeth.

"No, Booth, there's nothing on your face or in your teeth or anything like that. Now, keep your eyes on the road. I don't want to die because you were paranoid about your appearance."

I knew that she meant to put me at ease, but it hadn't helped that she was laughing as she tried to reassure me. It's not that I care that much about my appearance, but there are certain things that are unacceptable. Talking to reporters and suspects with your fly down or your shirt miss-buttoned were a couple of those things. I wasn't sure that Bones, in her lab world of theories and ancient history, understood that.

"Okay, but you do know that you're supposed to tell me, right?" I informed her. I glanced over as I spoke, finding confusion on her face. "That's what partners do, Bones. They watch each other's back. They don't let them show up at crime scenes with bagel in their teeth. I don't know how it works in the lab, but that's how it works out here, okay?"

"Booth, you don't have anything wrong with you, okay?" she answered, but there was still a hint of laughter in her voice when she spoke. It left me wondering what she had been smiling about in the first place.

"I hope we get a chance to have a real lunch today," she stated simply and the laughter was gone.

"Geez, Bones, did you skip breakfast today, because if you did and you're that hungry, I can hit a drive-through on the way."

"There's something I have to talk to you about," she answered quietly, "and we'll have a chance to talk over lunch."

I was silenced by her statement. She needed to talk to me. It had to be important or we would be talking about it right now while I was driving. It had to be something that would take longer than the drive to Jon Adams' house. Or, it had to be something that might upset me. She hated it when I drove upset.

What could she have to say to me that would make me upset? That she had given it some thought and there was absolutely no hope for a relationship between us. _Oh, wait, she's already pretty much said tha_t. And I had accepted it, even if I hadn't wanted to.

_Maybe I've started to make her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she's figured out that I had hoped for more for us. Maybe I've crossed the line… I thought that I was being good. Maybe I pushed her too far. Maybe she doesn't want to be my partner anymore._

These thoughts raced through my mind as we drove in silence. I knew that I needed her in my life… even if it wasn't in the ways that I had hoped. I had made that decision weeks ago - that it would be better to have her as a partner and a friend than to push for something more and lose her altogether. I parked the SUV in Jon Adams' driveway.

"Temperance, I don't know what you need to talk to me about, but I hope we're okay. We're okay, right?" I barely managed to force the words out, afraid of what her answer might be… knowing that whatever it would be, it would be honest.

"We're okay," she answered, nodding at the same time. I tried to hide the sigh of relief that escaped and exited the SUV.

_A/N: I know… not a lot of new info, but I thought it was important to include Booth's thoughts after she told him that they had to talk. Agree? Disagree? Let me know. Scarlet._


	4. Part Three

_A/N: This update is a little shorter than the last, but I hope it's worth the time spent reading. Many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review._

_If Fox doesn't air a new episode soon, I might change my mind and decide that I do own Booth and Brennan and the rest of the Bones crew. Is it January 31st yet?_

**If Only, part three.**

We arrived at Sacred Heart Catholic School, the school where Amy Adams was enrolled and Samantha Adams had worked. Jon Adams was standing at the outer edge of a small group of parents who had come to take their children home for the day. As we approached, the doors opened and a four-year-old Amy Adams raced over to where her father stood. Bones and I arrived immediately after her.

"Jon Adams," I flashed my badge so he understood who he was facing. "We need to speak to you for a few minutes."

"Look, agent…" Adams bent to read my name as though he didn't remember me, "Booth, I'm kinda in a hurry here. Do you think this could wait?"

"No, it can't."

I watched as his eyes held mine, briefly challenging and then they flashed to Bones before resting on his daughter. I understood then what he was asking. He was asking that I not talk about his wife in front of his daughter. I understood completely, knowing that I would try to shield Parker if I were in his shoes. I glanced at Bones and she seemed to understand - for once - and immediately took Amy over to the playground.

With Amy safely out of earshot, I began questioning him: "How long ago was it that your wife disappeared, Mr. Adams?"

"It'll be two years on Friday," he answered angrily. "But I'm sure you didn't come here to ask me that. Tell me, why are you really here, Agent Booth?"

I ignored his question and continued along the script that I had fashioned earlier. "Almost two years, huh? Have you seen or heard from her at all in that time?"

"No. Look, I…"

"Don't you think it's unusual for a mother to leave her family so suddenly and not try to contact them at all? No signs of her around the school or anything?"

"No, nothing. And yes," he ran a hand through his hair and I felt that it was more out of frustration than anger, "I do think it's unusual. I've been trying to tell you guys that something bad has happened to her… that she didn't run off to be with her boyfriend. I know - I've talked to him."

"You talked to Jamie Walker?" I interrupted him again. This time because I was surprised rather than because I wanted to direct the conversation. "When?"

"A few times. The last time was over six months ago. When's the last time any of your people talked to him?"

His accusation dangled before me but I refused to take it. I had given up on the investigation of his wife's disappearance - murder - but I had not done so willingly. Instead of answering his question, I asked him another in return: "Why did you move?"

"Are you kidding me?" He tried to move past me and I grabbed his arm, spinning him back around to face me. "You finally decide to re-open my wife's case and you're just going to go through the same motions? You're just going to ask me the same questions? You still think that it was me. Well, you're not going to get anywhere like that."

As he yelled, I let go of his arm. The more I learned about the man, the less convinced I was that he was our primary suspect. He still seemed to hold some hope that his wife was out there somewhere, too. It was up to me to let him know that that hope was about to end.

He started walking toward the playground and I matched his pace. "We found a body," I blurted out, wanting to get it over with before we were too near to the playground.

"What?"

"We found a body. At your old house."

"Is it… is it Samantha?" he asked as he backed away, his back eventually meeting with my SUV.

"We're not a hundred percent sure, yet, but I couldn't imagine what other female body you would have buried in your yard."

"Oh, God," his hands trembled and he crossed his arms against his chest, hiding them. "Samantha. Oh, God."

I thought for a second that he might break down and start crying, but he took a deep breath and seemed to gather himself. He glanced briefly in the direction of the playground.

"Look, I'll come with you… do whatever you need to do to eliminate me so you can find the bastard who really did this. I know how it must look, but I promise you that it wasn't me. I didn't kill my wife."

"I get it though," Adams continued. "Take me in, but can we drop Amy off somewhere? She doesn't really understand any of this and I don't want to have to explain it to her right now."

Who was I to deny him this simple request? I glanced over to where the little girl played with Bones. The little girl had been wrapped in her arms, squirming to get free. I never understood why Bones didn't want children; she always seemed so good with them. As Amy raced away, I smiled at her childlike enthusiasm and then turned my focus to Bones. She returned my smile and then we each turned our attention to our respective Adams.

"Okay, Mr. Adams, I'm sure I'll find a way to work something out."

His posture eased with apparent relief. I was about to open the door for him to enter the backseat when a sudden explosion sounded from behind me and I was thrown against the truck.

_A/N: Please review. I have no problem resorting to begging. Please. Please. Please:) Scarlet._


	5. Part Four

_A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story so far. In celebration of a new episode this week, I'm posting another chapter. I'm trying to have everything up by the end of the week, but I'm not making any promises. Sometimes muses don't exactly cooperate. Otherwise, I'm off to Mexico for a week, so there will be a bit of a delay. Oh yeah, and I don't own the show Bones. Please don't sue. Scarlet._

**If Only, part four.**

My head slammed against the window of the door and I fell to the ground. I laid there briefly, gathering my breath and my thoughts. Mentally, I scanned myself for injuries and then rose quickly to my feet. There was only a single thought left in my mind: _'Bones.'_

The entire wing of the school had disappeared and laid as a grey wasteland over the surroundings. Sirens sounded in the background and people were rushing over from the surrounding homes, but I ignored it all. My only focus was on her.

I scanned the debris, trying to quickly reorient myself to determine where she had been standing when I had seen her last. It was difficult without the school as a frame of reference.

_Who the hell blows up a school?_

I shook my head, clearing the question from my mind. There would be time for those questions later. After I had made sure that Bones was okay. I began pulling at the bricks where I thought she had been.

_Oh, God, Bones, please be okay. Please God, let her be okay._

I turned back to the street as I continued to dig, assessing my position in relation to the SUV. Moving a few feet, I began digging again. The rocks bit into my hands, but I ignored the pain and blood that they brought, clawing at the bricks with more fervour.

"Bones, can you hear me?" I called out. I continued to call her name to no avail.

I stood briefly and scanned the area around me. Despair threatened to overwhelm me as I took in the enormity of the area that was covered by the debris. I realized that as I shifted the bricks, I might be shifting them on her instead of off of her. The futility of it all screamed inside me and I fought against the urge to give into it. I resumed my digging furiously.

A few feet in front of me, the rubble shifted.

"Bones! Bones!"

I repeated her name over and over as I closed the distance between us and began digging anew. I uncovered the tan of her jacket and she rose to her hands and knees. I fought the tears of relief that welled in my eyes. I pulled her upright, steadying her with my hands on her shoulders.

"Bones, are you okay?"

It seemed a silly question to ask - she had been blown up - but I needed to hear her voice. Her eyes blinked a few times and she seemed to become steadier. I watched as she took in the devastation that was once the playground, supporting her as she turned. Suddenly, she pushed away from me and began to dig through the rubble. I reached down to hold her arm in an attempt to stop her.

"Bones, you're hurt. You're going to make it worse. We have help on the way."

"No, Booth. I have to find her. Help me find her."

Amy. I had forgotten about the little girl in my haste to find Bones. The desperate tone of Bones' voice pulled at my heart as visions of the little girl played through my head. I began to dig beside her and then moved away, the two of us working to cover as much ground as possible.

Suddenly, she dashed several feet ahead. "Booth, help me," she called as she resumed digging. I quickly joined her and we exposed the green of Amy's jacket. Jon Adams was at my side then and the three of us worked in silence to fully reveal her tiny body. Adams lifted her and Bones held the fingers of her shaking, bloodied hand against Amy's throat. She nodded slightly and tears traced an ivory path on her dirt-covered face.

"C'mere, Bones," I mumbled as I pulled her against my chest. My arms tightened and I felt sharp edges against my arms; something small and sharp was lodged in her back - a few somethings. I eased my hold and she swayed before me. Her knees buckled and I caught her as she passed out, hoisting her until she was cradled in my arms.

_No, Bones, you can't be hurt. You have to be okay._

I carried her over to an ambulance that had just arrived, scanning her body for visible injuries. The only injury I could find was the sharp objects that were pressing into my arm from her back and I knew that that would never have caused her to pass out. She was too strong to be felled by something that minor.

_'She might pass out if she saw me carrying her to the ambulance though.'_ The thought, inappropriate as it was, brought a small smile to my face. _'For once, Bones, you can be thankful for my alpha male tendencies.'_

The paramedics pushed me aside as they attended her. I watched helplessly as they affixed an oxygen mask and inserted an IV into her arm. She had always had so much presence, but lying there, she seemed so small, so defenceless.

A uniform approached as they loaded her into the ambulance. I fished my badge out before he could begin to question me.

"Listen, officer Daly, I'm going with my partner," I stated in a tone that offered no room for argument. "We were in the middle of an investigation when the school blew, so just secure the scene until our guys get here, okay?"

Daly nodded his agreement.

"And that guy," I pointed over to Jon Adams who was standing by another ambulance that held his daughter, "is under investigation. So get one of your guys to go with him and stay with him at the hospital."

"You don't want us to just take him into custody?"

"No. Bring him in when his little girl stabilizes. Until then, just have someone sit on him."

I climbed in beside Bones as I finished with my instructions, not waiting for either of the paramedics to ask or argue. I knew that I could just as easily follow behind them, but I didn't want to be that far away from her. And, to be honest, it wouldn't have been that easy to drive with my hands in their current state. I wiped the blood on my pants and then pulled out my phone. I dialled Cullen as the sirens wailed and the ambulance lurched through the streets.

The sirens wailed and the phone rang and the engine whined, but even as all that noise surrounded me, none of it could drown out the silence of the woman who lay before me.

_Please, Temperance, please be okay. Please, God, let her be okay._

_A/N: I know it was short, but please review. Scarlet._


	6. Part Five

_A/N: So, I managed an update before my trip. I hope you enjoy it and look forward to reading all your reviews when I return. Last week's episode was great… lots of Booth angst. Here's a little more for those who didn't get enough. I noticed that there aren't a lot of people reading this story, but I'm still committed to completing it. I may even need to work in a third to wrap up the case, if I can't work it in to this story. Oh and the characters and story of Bones belong to ED and DB and Fox. No harm intended, so please don't sue. On with the show…_

**If Only, part five.**

The stark white of the hospital corridor did little to reassure me as I paced outside the trauma room doors. The overhead pages chimed steadily until eventually I barely noted their sounding. I had been waiting for nearly an hour and still no one had come to update me on her condition. I had been harassed a few times by the nursing staff, but they've finally left me alone after I had allowed them to dress my hands. I was relieved at first when they left me alone, but I grew to miss their distractions; they kept my mind from focusing completely on the woman behind the doors.

I couldn't erase the image of her dirt-streaked face from my mind or the feel of the heavy limpness of her body in my arms. Although that feeling and that image was occasionally replaced with the vision of her smiling as she had stood at the bottom of the slide, waiting for Amy. Her smile had seemed to reflect a genuine happiness, not the sarcastic smirk or the sad smile that she usually wore. Or maybe it was just my memory playing tricks on me - I couldn't be sure, but I preferred to think that she - for some reason - had been happy in that moment before the explosion. But then again, maybe I didn't. Wasn't it a little cruel of me to want to think that she had finally found some happiness only to not have had any time to enjoy it.

I shook my head. I didn't want to think about which memory made the better ending. I didn't want to think about any kind of ending. All I wanted was to see her again and to see her happy or sad or sarcastic smile. Hell, I'd even be happy with a frown. With her yelling at me or arguing with me or convincing me that Jesus was a zombie.

_Please, God, let her be okay._

I shook my head again. I couldn't think about all those things either or I was going to lose it in the hospital hallway - break down into a snivelling puddle that would seriously compromise my authority the next time I was on a case.

The case. I had to focus on the case. Why were we here anyway? Who the hell blows up a school? It seemed completely unrelated to the investigation except it was too much of a coincidence to ignore. Coincidences in my experience were rarely coincidences. Things happened for a reason.

_Think, Booth._

Adams was nearly completely ruled out as a suspect in my mind. Unless he was a complete sociopath and even then, it didn't make much sense. If he wanted to hurt his daughter, than he would have set the bomb to go off sooner and if he didn't want her hurt, he wouldn't have let her play near the school. If the explosion was related to the case than Adams wasn't our suspect. If not Adams, then who?

Frustrated, I slumped into a hard chair that sat against the wall, facing the trauma room. There was a mass of activity through the glass, but no one had come to update me. No one had left at all - I would have cornered them if they had. Instead, I sat and waited. Waited for something good and fearing something bad.

I leaned back in the chair and let my head thump against the wall. I was tempted to raise it and let it hit again; I felt like I was banging my head against a wall anyway - why not do it literally? I had energy inside me that I needed to spend, preferably on the person who had put Bones in that room. But I didn't know who that person was. I couldn't put the puzzle together… I didn't even have all the pieces and wouldn't until I returned to the lab. But I wasn't going to the lab until I knew that she was okay. I gave in, raising my head to let it thump back again.

Finally, a young man in hospital scrubs emerged from the trauma room.

"Doctor," I called, jumping from my seat, stopping him from walking away without speaking to me. The doctor jumped at the sound of my voice and I realized that he might not have noticed me as I sat amidst the clutter lining the hallway.

"Sir, I'm sorry. No one told me that anyone from the patient's family was here. You're her…"

The question hung in the air between us. What was I? Her partner, her colleague, her friend, her co-worker, her one-time lover who wanted to be her lover again - and more - but would settle for less rather than being nothing at all. None of those answers seemed to fit so I disregarded the question completely, letting him decide on his own.

"Is she okay?" I asked, hearing the urgency in my own voice. "Is she going to be okay?"

"Sir, your… wife…"

_Wife, huh? Not what I was expecting, but this isn't really the time to correct him. Not when he's finally going to tell me that she's okay._

"…has experienced a severe trauma…"

_No no no no no no…_

The word repeated in my mind; as though by thinking it, I would stop him from saying the words that would come next. I knew this speech. I had been present and delivered enough to know when I was hearing one.

"… and we did everything we could…"

_No no no no nononono…_

The back of my knees hit the chair and I slumped on it, burying my head in my hands, hiding from his words.

"… but we couldn't save…"

_No no no no no nononono…_

"… your baby."

_My baby? They couldn't save my baby? What baby?_

_Bones is pregnant?_

_She was pregnant._

"The baby?"

"I'm afraid she miscarried, sir. Probably from the force of the explosion. She wasn't very far along and pregnancies are their most vulnerable in the first trimester. There wasn't anything we could do."

_The first trimester? Bones was pregnant?_

"But Bo… Temperance? How is she? Is she… is she going to be okay?"

"Nothing is ever certain, but I'm very confident that she'll make a full recovery." I almost cried with relief as the doctor spoke. "She lost some blood with the miscarriage and she has a couple of fractured ribs. She hasn't regained consciousness yet and we are still monitoring her condition, but I expect that she should be fine."

"Can I see her?" I heard the doctor's words, but I wanted more… I wanted her.

"We're just preparing to remove the glass from her back. When we're finished, we'll come and get you." A nurse emerged from the trauma room. The doctor stopped her in her travels. "Kate? Please take Mr…"

"Booth," I supplied, in reflex.

"Please take Mr. Booth to the waiting room. We'll come and get you when she's in recovery."

The doctor turned and headed away, leaving me in Kate's hands.

"C'mon Mr. Booth. Your wife is going to be just fine. Let's just get you to a more comfortable place to wait."

The small woman with dark hair offered a gentle pressure of her hand on my back and guided me to the emergency waiting room. I looked through the windows of the doors to that room and froze. I couldn't go in there. There were people in there. People who were worried about their loved ones, too. People who would want to share their experience; to commiserate and find some peace that way. I didn't want to talk to those people. I didn't want them to ask me about the woman who was my partner/colleague/coworker/friend/lover-once who should be again/wife and more, much more.

"Is there somewhere else I can wait? Maybe I can go back?" I suggested.

The nurse offered me a sympathetic smile and led me further down the hallway, finally stopping at the doors to the hospital chapel.

"You'll find some quiet here, Mr. Booth," she offered. "I'll come and get you when your wife is in recovery."

"Kate?" Her questioning eyebrow suggested that I continue. "She's not my wife."

"I know," she answered.

"You know? But, why…" I faltered, unsure of what I wanted to say.

"I know," she stated. "No ring on your finger; no ring on hers. But it doesn't matter, because I know you care. I'll let you see her even if you aren't 'her family'. You seem to be family enough for me."

She patted my arm gently and returned from where we had come. I turned and pushed through the chapel doors, immediately encompassed in a sense of peace as I was surrounded by the beautiful stillness of the chapel walls. Genuflecting, I slumped into a pew in the middle of the room. I was alone except for an elderly woman who knelt in the front pew. The quiet stillness of the room immediately calmed my racing mind and I breathed deeply. The flicker of the candles reflected off the stained glass of the small chapel windows.

_How had that nurse known to bring me here?_

My eyes wandered back to the woman at the front of the chapel. Her hands were tightly clasped near her lips and her eyes were squeezed shut as she prayed. For a moment I envied her prayer, her hope and then I immediately regretted my envy.

Brennan was going to be okay. The doctor would not have been so optimistic in his prognosis otherwise and I knew that I should sit and thank God for her health. But I couldn't. Just like I couldn't help but resent the woman's fervent prayers. I had the relief that my loved one would recover, but I also had the complete lack of hope that our baby would live. I hadn't even known of our baby in time to pray for it. I hadn't even been given one moment to hope and dream and love our child. I could kneel and pray for hours on end and it wouldn't change the fact that my son or daughter had been taken from me; taken before I had even known that they had existed; taken before I had even had the chance to celebrate their life.

And it was our baby. Of that, I was certain. The doctor had said that she had been in her first trimester and we had slept together about six weeks ago. And just a few hours earlier, she had said that she wanted to talk to me. It made sense. She had wanted to tell me that she was pregnant; that it was mine; that she was thinking about keeping it. I wasn't foolish enough to believe that she had already decided - or that she had just found out and was letting me take part in that decision. Temperance was her own person with her own opinions, but she knew mine as well. If she had decided to tell me about the baby than she had decided - in the very least - to consider the option of having it.

_We were going to have a baby._

_We were going to have a baby._

The thought repeated in my head and I, once again, glanced at the woman in the first row… her white-knuckled grip and tightly closed eyes… and wished again that I had been given the hope of the life that had been taken from me. Unbidden, an image of Parker, barely an hour old and still pink from birth, appeared in my mind. I could clearly see his blue eyes, nearly the same shade as the blanket that warmed him, wide-open and focused on me. I remember the surge of love that had overtaken me as I had held him in my arms that first time; the tears that had sprung to my eyes as I had been overwhelmed by my love for him.

_We were going to have a baby._

_We aren't now._

A sob escaped my lips despite the ironclad grip I had on my emotions. Another sob escaped, chasing behind the first. I fell to my knees and clenched my hands together before me as tears streamed down my face.

_Why?_

_A/N: Well? I may not respond to your feedback immediately, but I will eventually and I need it. It's the only way I can improve. Was it too mushy for Booth? I didn't think so, but I've been known to be wrong before. Please feel free to tell me if I am again. Scarlet._

_PS. I'll have a margarita for everyone who sends me a review. Yes, I am resorting to bribery now:) Scarlet._


	7. Part Six

_A/N: First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for all of the kind and wonderful reviews. Secondly, I have to apologize for not replying to them sooner. My only excuse was that I was trying to spend as much of my free time writing, so I didn't reply. Not that that is any excuse at all. Also, for some of you who have reviewed each chapter, I only replied to your latest review, but thank you for each of them. Thirdly, I'm sorry that it took me so long to update. All I can say is that life after vacation has been pretty hectic._

_So finally, I've brought us back to the present. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter in my little fic. And, all of these characters, etc. don't belong to me. No harm is intended, so please don't sue. And now, on with the show. Scarlet._

**If Only, part six**

The door opens quietly behind me, but I don't bother to acknowledge the presence of the person who has entered. I expect a nurse or a doctor and am surprised when I feel the gentle weight of a hand on my shoulder. Angela's dark, wide eyes meet mine and the sympathy I find there causes fresh tears to well in mine.

_'Enough with the tears already,'_ I curse inwardly as I squeeze my eyes shut against the wetness that threatens. I had let the dam burst in the chapel, but have since rebuilt the wall around my emotions and am determined to keep them well surrounded.

Angela moves to the opposite side of the bed and I briefly mourn the loss of the comforting warmth of her hand on my shoulder. I look up and see the concern and fear on her features and immediately feel ashamed at my own selfishness. I was more than happy to let her comfort me and help me deal with Bones' injuries when, in reality, I should be comforting her. This was her best friend lying unconscious in front of her and I was waiting for her to make me feel better.

_Selfish bastard._

"The doctor says that she's going to be okay," I offer and she nods silently in answer, her lips pursed as if she is afraid to open them; afraid of what she might say if she does.

"She should wake up as soon as the anaesthetic wears off," I add.

I don't add that I had been furious when I learned that she had begun to waken while they were repairing the damage to her back and they had put her under so they could finish. I had understood the need for the anaesthetic when I had seen her back - the stitches were scattered in little groupings all over it. I just don't understand why I couldn't have seen her before they had put her under; why they couldn't have taken the few minutes to come and find me and let me hold her hand; to let me tell her that I love her and that I was so happy that she was going to be alright. Instead, I'm left sitting here, holding her hand, waiting.

I realize that I'm dominating the good side of the bed and have left Angela to stand facing her back. Reluctantly, I release her hand and rise, clearing a space for Angela at Bones' side.

"Here," I indicate the chair I had just vacated. "You can't see much from over there. Have my seat."

"Thanks, Booth," she answers as she walks to my chair. "Hey, Brenn, it's me."

Angela reaches out and brushes the hair away from Bones' face. For a moment, I felt a surge of jealously as I believe that Bones had finally opened her eyes; that Angela was welcoming her as I had been waiting to do for hours now. A quick glance tells me that she is still sleeping and the jealousy immediately fades. I know that I shouldn't be jealous. I know that I should be happy to have Bones awake even if I'm not the first person she sees when she finally opens her eyes. It's just that it doesn't feel right. With everything that's happened and everything that I'm feeling, I just know that I need to be with her when she wakes up; when she understands the truth of what has happened; when she realizes that I already understand that truth.

"Booth," Angela interrupts my thoughts. "I can stay with her if you need to get back to the case."

_Leave? I can't leave._

How do I explain to Angela that I can't leave until she wakes up? I can't just tell her that I have to wait because I want to be the one who tells her about our baby - not some doctor that she's never met - like when I was told. And I need to tell her that I know, because I don't think I can bear to hear her tell me that she lost it… I can't bear to be told that news again. And I need to be here for her, because I know that she will need someone and knowing her, there isn't anyone else that knows.

"They don't really need me at the lab right now," Angela continues. "We've already confirmed Samantha Adams' identity and Zack is still working on the weaponry and trajectories, so it's too soon for me to work on a simulation."

I'm at a loss as to what to offer for an excuse to stay. I focus on Bones as a temporary respite from answering, although I'm pretty sure that a mindless "uh" has escaped my lips. Maybe I should just tell her about us. Angela is her best friend, after all. Maybe I should just tell her about that night and how Bones had decided that it had been a mistake. Maybe I should just tell her that it couldn't have been a mistake because our mistake became a life and too many odds had to have been beaten for that life to have happened.

But now that life is gone, so maybe it was a mistake after all. Maybe I should tell her that, too. Because if it's true than I don't know if I am man enough to be here for Bones, after all. I mean, if this was all some exercise of fate to show that we were definitively not meant to be more to each other than partners than I'm not sure that I can offer anyone any form of emotional support. I won't have enough for myself, let alone any left over to give.

I glance back at Angela as my thoughts wind to an end. There is so much sympathy and tenderness in her face that I am tempted to give in to my thoughts and tell her everything. I could tell her everything and then she could comfort me and I could comfort Bones.

If only it were that easy. I know that I can't tell her. She might never know. Or maybe one day, Bones might choose to tell her. Either way, I had no choice in the matter. I had no one to talk to about this except Bones and she had no one to talk to but me. We were the only people who would know or understand this loss and suddenly the sadness of that reality overwhelms me. We will mourn our loss privately and no one will know about our pain. How do you explain it without explaining it all?

_You don't._

"You know, Angela," I finally find my voice to speak, "I think I'm going to stay. I need to be here when she wakes up."

Dragging a chair from the corner of the room, I pull it next to Angela. I rest my hand on Bones' calf; I can't get close enough to hold her hand any longer, but I need some kind of contact with her. The two of us sit silently as the time stretches, marked by the steady, reassuring beeps of the heart monitor.

My head jerks at the sound of Angela's chair scraping along the floor. I realize with some regret that I must have nodded off and that I might have missed Bones' awakening. A quick glance confirms that her eyes are still closed and she seems to have not moved so I assume that I haven't missed anything.

"You know, Booth, I think I'm going to head back to the lab. Hodgins was working on the time of death when I left and had mentioned something about it not really fitting the timeline. Maybe I can help him or maybe Zack has something for me to work with now."

I feel a measure of regret as Angela's speaks of the case. I know that I should be working on it; that I have a more personal reason to find the man responsible for all of this and that I will. But, I can't leave her to do that - at least not yet.

I slide into the chair vacated by Angela and slip my fingers beneath Bones' hand as it rests on the mattress. I notice how peaceful she looks as she sleeps, even with the light scratches that mar her cheekbone and forehead. My thumb idly caresses the back of her hand as I sit with her and, as much as I yearn to see the beautiful blue of her eyes, I loathe the moment that I will see them and have to end her peace.

"Booth."

The husky alto of her voice interrupts my silent contemplation. In spite of everything that has happened over the last day, I feel a smile spread across my face.

"Temperance."

I want to say more, but I am so overcome with the fury of my emotions that it's enough that I can even speak her name.

"Booth, I…"

She tries to speak again and even though her voice seems stronger than the first time she spoke my name, I can still tell that she is weakened. She is awake, but she isn't healed and then there is all the rest.

"The doctors say that you're going to be okay. You just have to rest, okay?"

I shift my hand and slide my free hand beneath hers, surrounding her long, slim fingers with my own. My thumb continues to brush softly against the back of her hand, passing over the silk of her skin and the cotton gauze and then back to her silky skin again. Her hand tightens slightly around mine and my eyes meet her searching eyes until I close them. I have seen enough because in her eyes I see her questions, her pain, her fear and her sorrow.

"The baby?" she asks and even though her words form a question, I suspect that she already knows the answer. I shake my head silently in response, still unable to voice the words aloud.

"We didn't get to go to lunch."

"No we didn't," I reply, although her statement confuses me for a moment. Then I remember our earlier conversation.

_"There's something I have to talk to you about and we'll have a chance to talk over lunch."_

_She was going to tell me. God, was that just this morning?_

It seemed like a lifetime had passed since we had shared the laughter of the conversation that had led up to her statement.

_A lifetime had passed._

"I was going to tell you at lunch. I knew last week, but when I asked you to lunch, it was because I wanted to tell you."

I sit and absorb that statement for a moment. A week. She had known for a week and hadn't told me. She had probably suspected sooner, but had waited to confirm her pregnancy. A short, sharp pain pierces my chest as a fairytale scene flashes in my head and I imagine us sitting together, anxiously waiting to read the results on a little stick that sits in the other room.

"I was going to tell you, Booth. I would never have not told you."

Her words push the fairytale from my mind. This is us and we are not that couple right now and I'm willing to accept that fact. We might never be that couple, but I would rather have whatever Bones has to give than anything or everything with someone else.

"I know."

It's all I can manage at the moment, but I hope it's enough to let her know that I understand.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I wasn't ready though."

Her voice is watery and the emotion behind her words tugs at my heart. I feel my emotions surge in answer.

"I know."

My words are barely more than a whisper and nearly catch in my throat before I can speak them. Still, I want to offer her something more, something else, something other than "I know".

"I'm sorry that you didn't find out that you were having a baby until you found out that you had lost it. I'm sorry that I took those few days of joy away from you."

Tears spill over her eyes and escape down her cheeks. Tears of my own well in my eyes and I fight to hold them back. I am supposed to be here for her, after all. And, the most comforting words I can come up with are:

"I know."

"It hurts, Booth. Deep inside where the morphine can't take it away. It hurts."

A sob escapes Temperance's mouth and it rips through my gut. I know that she hurts and I know how much it hurts, but I don't know how to make it better. Maybe it never gets better.

"I know, Bones, I know."

My tears spill over and I move closer to her. I press my forehead to hers and hold her hand in mine while I drape an arm around her, trying to comfort her as best I can in spite of the hospital bed between us. We stay that way for a long while, our tears commingling as our misery does. My pain with her pain.

_Her pain._

I remember then that my arm is resting on her back and that her back is riddled with stitches.

"Sorry, Bones, I forgot about your back. Did I hurt you?"

She shakes her head in denial and answers aloud as well. "It actually felt kind of nice," she adds.

Despite her reassurance, I sit back in my chair and return to just holding her hand.

"I know this bed isn't very big and it's probably frowned upon by the hospital staff, but do you think you could hold me for a while?"

I'm surprised that she has asked me to hold her; I'm always the one to initiate any kind of physical contact between us. As I recover, she tries to shift to make room for me. A groan of pain escapes her.

"Easy, Bones, you're going to make it worse. Are you sure this is a good idea? I don't want to hurt you."

Suddenly, she is sobbing and I'm really not sure what happened to take her from silently crying to violently sobbing, but I know that I need to stop her; I can't bear to witness her pain any longer. That's when I decide that a little bit of physical pain might actually offer her some relief and I pick her up, shifting her until her head is tucked beneath my chin and her cheek is resting against my chest. I press a kiss against the top of her head and slowly her sobs fade, although her tears continue to soak the front of my shirt. I wrap my arms around her, cautiously resting them against her back, ready to lift them with the smallest indication of her pain.

I lose track of the time I spend holding her in my arms, but don't regret a single minute spent doing so. After her sobs had faded and her tears had ceased falling, her breathing had slowed and I know that she now sleeps quietly in my arms. Her sleep seems to be dreamless as she hasn't so much as stirred since it has taken her. I envy her - her dreamless sleep. If only I could be lost in the luxury of peaceful slumber instead of the silent torture of my thoughts.

_If only I hadn't brought her with me to question Adams._

_If only I hadn't left her to entertain Amy while I questioned him._

_If only I had known about the baby before today._

_If only I hadn't let her dismiss our relationship so easily._

_If only I had fought for it a little harder - or even at all._

If only I had or hadn't done any of those things… we wouldn't be lying here now in a hospital bed. We wouldn't be mourning the loss of the baby that we hadn't even been allowed to celebrate.

_I promise, Temperance, I will make this up to you. I will make up for all the things that I didn't do and all the things that I did wrong that brought us here. If it takes until the day I die, I will make this up, I promise you. I promise._

_A/N: Well, what do you think? Was it worth the wait? Now that I've included Angela (twice), I'm thinking about writing a third story from her point of view. Of course, there wouldn't be much retelling in the third story, but I still have a case to solve, right? If not from her point of view, then who's? Thanks for reading and please review._

_Scarlet._


	8. Epilogue

_A/N: Here we are - nearing the end. Thank you for taking the journey with me and extra thanks to those who took the time to let me know what you thought of the journey along the way. And BBXFan, I would normally reply to your review(s) in private, but since I can't: thank you. I can't really express how flattered I am by your kind words._

_The characters in this fic are not mine and unfortunately, never will be. Although, I seriously question Fox's rights after all this Sully & Cam business. Please don't sue me for borrowing BB and the gang for a little while. I don't have anything anyway._

**If Only, epilogue**

"Daddy! Daddy!"

Parker's excited voice precedes him as he races into my bedroom. Before I can open my eyes, his tiny hands are fastened on my arm, shaking me.

"He came, Daddy! Santa came and you should see all the presents he left!"

I open my eyes and am greeted by the biggest grin on Parker's face. Beside me, I hear Temperance groan as she wakes as well. A quick glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand tells me that it's barely six in the morning. I know that I should tell him that it's too early, but how can I? When I was his age, I used to do the same thing.

"C'mon, Daddy," he draws out the last syllable as he tugs on my arm and I find myself chuckling aloud.

"Okay, okay," I rise from the bed and pull on a pair of pyjama pants over my boxers. "I'm coming. Let's go see how good you were this year."

I'm following him out the doorway when he suddenly stops. Turning, he looks behind me and calls: "Doctor Bones, hurry up."

I was surprised at how quickly Parker had accepted her as a part of our lives and now I'm surprised that he's not only accepted her, but wants to include her. I clear my throat, reminding him.

"I mean, Tempe," he amends in a less enthused voice. "Don't you want to see all the presents that Santa brought?" he adds, his excitement returning.

I've been trying to get Parker to call Temperance by her real name and it's been coming along slowly. I know it's my fault that he calls her 'doctor Bones'; I'm the one who first introduced her to him as 'doctor Brennan' and I'm the one who still calls her by the nickname that I gave her when we had first started to work together. Still, it seems unnaturally formal for him to call her 'doctor' and 'Bones' by itself is just for me.

"I do, Parker and I bet there's a lot of them," she answers from behind me. I turn and see that she's still under the covers, waiting for us to leave so she can dress. Parker may have accepted her as a part of our lives, but she still wasn't ready for him to see her prancing around in a tank top and underwear.

"Let's go, Parker," I usher him out of the room. "We'll make some coffee and by the time it's ready, Bones will be ready to watch you open all your gifts."

Parker races to the living room and I keep a watchful ear as I prepare the coffee. Satisfied that I still can't hear any rustling or tearing of paper, I continue with my task. Mugs and cream line up on the counter and I stare at the coffee maker, willing it to finish it's brew cycle. The aroma wakens me some, but the burning of my eyes in contrast to the burning excitement I had seen in Parker's demands caffeine, not just the scent of it.

"Is it ready yet?" he calls from the living room and I move to the doorway to check on him. I nearly laugh at the scene that I find. He is standing in the centre of the room, bouncing up and down with his excitement, his hands clenching and unclenching, almost as if they were tearing the paper off in his mind.

I had felt guilty last night when I had seen the presents spilling out from under the tree. I had thought that maybe I had spoiled him, buying him too many gifts and that he wouldn't - couldn't possibly - appreciate them all. Now I was glad that I had gone overboard. This moment alone was worth every dollar I had spent. And besides, who knew how many more years I would get to do this. Rebecca might not let me have Christmas morning next year. And there was always the chance that one day he would learn the truth about Santa and then the joy of this moment would never be possible again. Silently, I thanked Rebecca for giving me this memory.

Temperance enters the living room as the coffee maker sputters the last of its efforts into the carafe. Quickly, I pour us each a cup and join them. I hand her a steaming mug and she hands me a t-shirt which I quickly pull on. We settle on the couch, Parker looking at us expectantly.

"Well, if you don't want to open the presents, champ, then I guess we can head back to bed."

Parker understands my teasing as his permission to dive in and he almost literally does just that. Jumping to cover the few feet that stand between him and the tree, he lands and falls to his knees, grabbing the nearest gift. Without even so much as a glance at the gift tag, he tears into the paper, shredding it to a thousand pieces before finally revealing the boxed action figure inside.

Bones is laughing at my side and I am grinning so much that I can feel the ache beginning in my cheeks. Parker exclaims his joy at his gift and then quickly tosses it aside before grabbing another unsuspecting package. The shredding continues.

"You know, Booth, I don't really think that that's the most efficient way for him to open them," she comments, traces of laughter still evident in her voice. "He should just find the taped edges and pull the paper open there. Then it would just fall off."

"That would require some forethought, Bones, and six-year-olds don't think about opening presents," I answer. "They just open them."

"True. Still, I don't know why I bothered with the gift tags." A look of warning from me causes her to add: "There's no way he's going to know which ones are from me or you or Santa."

I smile at Parker as he holds up a boxed game - _Pirates of the Caribbean, the Game of Life_ - and do my best pirate to demonstrate my approval of the gift. A gift that I know had come from Bones because I hadn't bought it myself. I plan to show him later all the gifts that were from each of us, since he clearly didn't have the patience to determine it for himself.

Suddenly, a thought crosses my mind. Gift tags. Not all of the gifts under that tree are for Parker.

"Hey, buddy," I attempt to interrupt his tearing into yet another gift. "Slow down a minute."

Parker, pauses briefly and I can see just a trace of irritation as he looks at me expectantly. At my side, Bones laughs.

"He looks just like you," she adds. I ignore her comment, although a quick jab of my elbow in her direction causes her to laugh even more. "Seriously, you get that exact same look when Zack interrupts you or questions you."

I focus on her briefly, but to my chagrin, she just laughs again. I realize that the look I have just fixed on her is probably very close to the look that Parker is still giving me.

"Parker, not all of the gifts under the tree are for you."

"They're not?"

I hold back a laugh as Bones' voice echoes behind Parker's.

"No, they're not. You have to read the tags before you open them. You remember, one of them you even helped me wrap."

Parker nods and smiles before turning back to the present in his hand. He turns it over and carefully traces the name with his finger, murmuring his name aloud. Satisfied that he has a gift of his own, he recommences with his paper shredding. This continues for nearly an hour and two cups of coffee until finally my living room is an unrecognizable wasteland of paper bits, half-opened boxes and abandoned toys. Parker is in the middle of it all, pulling his new hockey equipment on over his pyjamas.

There are just four gifts still waiting to be opened: two stacked in front of me and two in front of Bones. The two in front of me are from Parker; I had unpacked them with Parker's things when Rebecca had dropped him off yesterday. Judging by the size and weight of the boxes, I suspect that they contain a couple of shirts or a sweater or something of that nature. Every year, I get a couple of these gifts from 'Parker' and I was in no hurry to open them.

The two gifts scattered on the table in front of Bones hold my interest though. The larger of the two is from 'Parker' and I had always planned on having her open it at this time. The other, smaller one is from me. Originally, I had planned to give it to her last night, after Parker had gone to bed and we were alone. But then she had gone into this rant about Christmas and Santa and after I had averted disaster - preventing her from blabbing the truth aloud for Parker's never-sleeping ears - she had quietly told me that she wished that she were still pregnant. Even more shocking, had been her revelation that she might want to be pregnant again. I had given up all hope of ever having children with her and had accepted that reality as a part of a relationship with her. I had always dreamed of more children, but I had Parker and Temperance and that would be enough for me. Now, that wouldn't necessarily have to be enough.

"Why don't you open the small one," I suggest. "The bigger one's from Parker and he's too distracted to watch you open it and will be for quite a while."

"Booth, you shouldn't have given me anything." She blushes as she speaks and I can't imagine her ever looking more beautiful; her hair is still mussed from sleep and she seems almost lost in my white dress shirt and the baggy, plaid pants she favours at times like these.

"I didn't get you anything," she continues. "You know that I don't do gifts."

"You bought Parker gifts," I counter and then add quickly, so that she won't feel bad: "But I didn't want you to get me anything. Just open it."

She picks up the small box and it fits perfectly in the palm of her hand. With fingers that tremble slightly, she pulls gently at the silver paper. My insides knot as she fumbles with the paper, revealing a simple cardboard box. Her nimble fingers open the box and the velvet ring box slides out. I hold my breath as she opens it.

"It's empty."

Confusion rings clearly in her voice and for a moment I want to laugh and not reveal the meaning behind the gift.

"It's empty, but the sentiment isn't."

She quickly looks up from the box and her eyes meet mine.

"I didn't think you would wear a ring," I begin, smiling slightly before growing serious again. "I love you, Bones - Temperance - and I want you to be a part of my life for the rest of our lives. I know you don't believe in it, but I do and I would be so happy if you would agree to marry me?"

"Booth," she begins, and I wait breathlessly for her to continue, but she doesn't. My heart sinks. I had been so sure that I had been right in this and last night, I had been even more sure. In fact, I hadn't asked last night because I hadn't wanted her to believe that I had asked because she had admitted that she would now consider having children.

"Booth," she starts again, "are you sure?"

"Am I sure? Of course, I'm sure. I know I'm crazy to ask you to do something you don't believe in, but I'm asking. I'm asking you to try it for me. I don't need a church and a ceremony and a ring. I just need you and me for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?" I grab her hand and squeeze it, trying to convey all my emotions and sincerity in that connection.

"Booth," she says and I start to wonder if she will speak anything besides my name. "I will."

"You will?"

"I will," she smiles in answer. "You sound surprised. Were you hoping that I wouldn't accept?"

I know that she is teasing me, but I answer anyway - so she's certain of my sincerety. "Of course not, I just wasn't sure you'd say 'yes'."

"Well, technically, I didn't."

"No," I lean closer to her until our lips are nearly touching, "you didn't."

"We should fix that then." As she answers, her voice is huskier and some of the playfulness has left it.

My lips brush hers as I speak. "We should."

"Yes."

"Yes, what?" I kiss her softly. "Yes, we should." Our lips meet again. "Or…"

"Yes, Seeley Booth, I will marry you."

I close the distance between our bodies as we seal our promise in a kiss. Her lips part invitingly and my tongue quickly dances through their entrance, exploring her mouth thoroughly. My hands tangle in her hair and her fingers dance through mine. She shifts closer until she is nearly seated in my lap. The familiar pull of desire swells within me.

"Daddy," Parker's voice intrudes on our kiss, returning us to reality. "Why are you kissing doctor Bones like that?"

Bones and I are laughing and she is blushing again. "Well, buddy," I begin, turning to find him leaning to look around me. Instead of continuing, I find myself laughing a little harder as I take in the image of my son. He is standing in full equipment, complete with helmet, pads and stick. A look of slight confusion fills his features and then it is replaced with one of understanding.

"Oh, you liked Daddy's present, doctor Bones," he answered his own question. "Daddy, can we go outside and play hockey?"

"Yeah, buddy," I answer. "Why don't you go and set the net up in the driveway and I'll be right out."

I rise from the couch and stretch briefly. Then, before heading to the bedroom to change and join my son, I bend and plant a kiss on the tip of her nose.

"You sure you know what you're getting into?" I ask, jokingly but also so she will reassure me of her decision.

"Yes," she replies, smiling widely.

"Good." I straighten and head off in the direction of the bedroom. Pausing at the edge of the hall, I look over my shoulder and add: "And don't call me 'Seeley'."

Her laughter follows me into the room. As I change I find myself grinning foolishly and shake my head at myself. Still, my grin persists.

_I guess I'm just going to have to get used to this. Happiness. Having it and no longer being in the pursuit of it._

Shrugging, I dismiss the thoughts and head out the door to play with my son.

_Finis._

_A/N: So here we are at the end of this story once again and once again, I have thoughts for another installment in what seems to have become a series. I'm pretty sure that I've settled on Angela for the next story, but it's still in the early stages. There will definitely be some time passing before I am able to begin posting again. In the mean time, thank you for reading and (hopefully) reviewing. And guess what? No angst this time. I think I must have been all cried out. Well, please tell me what you think, even though I didn't strive for tears this time. Scarlet._


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